Worse

I sit... staring at a blank screen before me. Music blasting through
the headphones of my iPod. I sit... cut off from the rest of theworld, though that is not my goal. Even so, the list of people Iactually want to see is a short one. I sit... oblivious to thepassing of time...


Why?... Do I really want this?... Is this where I'm happy to be?


Why?... Why does a fleeting comment from a friend sting more than aninsult from an acquaintance? Why do the ones you care about cut youthe deepest? Why is a double-agent more potent than someone in openopposition?


Is it more painful to be slashed in the face... or feel a small prickin the back?
Which. Would. Be. Worse...?


How?... How can I be surrounded by people and yet... be so alone...?How can there be a mass of voices around me and yet... I hear nothing?How can I smile... seem so involved... when in truth I'm thinking ofone thing...? Just one thing I can't express... seconds turn tominutes...hours...days...even weeks. I wait... simply wait... forthings to get better. But... Just when it seems it's within mygrasp...it slips... and I feel like I'm worse off than when I started.


Ignored... or simply not noticed?
Which. Would. Be. Worse...?


Sure, I can hide it... We can hide it... We're humans; it's what wedo. But... where is the line between façade and truth? When will wedrop the mask...or has the mask become a part of us? Who will theshield drop for...? Who can...Who will...Who should see you...?


Or can even you... see you? The real you. The true you.


Have you lost something... something that was once a part of you...?Have you forgotten something... something that you once knew well...?Have you abandoned something... something nobody understood? Have youlost yourself... forgotten yourself... abandoned yourself...?
Which. Would. Be. Worse...?


Is it worse to be Too open... or shut off? Or are they the same?
Which. Would. Be. Worse...?


Voices surround me... people surround me... but I feel alone. Thepeople I once thought I knew seem farther from me than ever before...Why must things change?? I want the changes to stop. But theycontinue on... one... two... four... nine at a time. Turn back theclock! Please! Just turn it back! please...... please... just a fewmonths... that's all I ask......


Is it worse to be avoided... or simply unimportant?
Which. Would. Be. Worse...?




Which is worse? Rejection or Apathy?
The "No" or the "I don't know"?
To be avoided... or simply unimportant?
To be too open... or shut off?
To be ignored... or simply not noticed?
To not know yourself... or simply ignore yourself?
To be slashed in the face... or feel a small prick in the back?
To fail... or to not try?
To feel only pain...













Or nothing at all?












I would rather suffer for something that is worth it, then live in ignorance...
Is it better to know the answer is no...












or not know at all?









Or will the answer confuse you more so then the question?
Which. Would. Be. Worse...?